So don’t tell anyone but sometimes I interview myself. I do not interview myself as myself but as someone else. You may call it borderline schizophrenia. However, I am not being a different version of me but I act as if I’m Oprah, Tyra, Tyler or Asha. I imagine what their questions would be. I imagine what they would want to know about the history of my life, my success so to speak. They ask me (well I ask me) how I feel about my process. They tell me about my net worth. I tell them about coinstar machines, bottle returns, Ramen noodles and Wal-Mart shopping sprees. They ask me which one of my luxury cars is my favorite. I tell them that the Maserati Gran Cabrio Sport is my “A to B” “run around car.”
I really miss my first car.
It was a 1980 Pontiac Grand Prix. My mom got it for me. She paid $1000 cash for it. It was from a neighbor who only drove it from time to time.
They’ll ask me if my heart has ever been broken and I’ll tell them, “too many times to mention.”
but since I mentioned it …
I never appreciated shorty who broke up with me by forcing me to break up with myself. Although it was very clever. It was…
Well I guess that wasn’t heartbreak. That was just stupidity. Sorry scratch that.
Next question please.
They’ll ask me if there is anyone I want to attribute my success to. I’ll want to be unique but I have to say God. Then I’ll say, “There’s way too many to mention.” So I’ll thank Love, Failure, Resilience, Ego, and Reparation.
Then I’ll thank all the human manifestations of those named and if they’re smart (and I know they are), then they’ll know who they are.
They’ll ask me if there is anything I want to change about myself and I’ll say there’s
“Way too many things to mention.”
The biggest thing…the biggest thing that I want to change is the fact that there is anything that I would change at all. Then they kind of look at me like I said something profound.
Then the awkward part comes because they cut to a commercial or if it’s a written publication they writer just describes the scenery or my mannerisms and artistically wraps up the interview. They try to wrap it up. That is something I have always struggled with. I’m clear on the beginning. I worry or ponder about the middle but the ending always just lingers on…