*Day 7 of the 30 day writing challenge! Comment. Like. Share. Follow me on Twitter @shutyamouthnow
Rivaling with myself
Running, jumping and climbing through the dimensions of my identity
In my mind I’m sipping Baileys and Hennessey on ice in a jaccuzzi
In a black string bikini with my skin glistening in the moonlight
I’ll take flight into another realm of my imagination
No punctuations in life
No exclamations of uncontrollable emotions
I’ve rarely just gone through the motions
Deeply connected although sometimes rejected but never rehearsed
I step on the worlds stage and expose myself to its critical audience
I’ve cried out on the behalf of my occulent heart
Its been gagged and muted
In fear of making a sound and exposing what’s left of it.
I envision the princess turned pauper at the bar
Self medicated and confused
Thinking her riches are Bacardi Gold and 1800 Silver.
Her pumpkin has been repossessed
Her pride has been pulverized
I see the elder
She’s slaving over a meal
The kids feed the vegetables to the dog under the table
Her clothes are classy and discreet
Her hair is radiant and neat
Her home is immaculate
Her soul has been restored
I see a ’67 Dodge Charger
Its the color of Cabernet Sauvignon
A shell of hope
By Shaun M Nickens
I am the princess of procrastination. I am the dark cloud of doom, often preparing myself for the worst. I am emotionally charged. I am a quick decision maker. I sometimes explode to prevent from imploding.
The converse is also true. I sometimes categorize explosion as communication. I’m easily affected by others moods but only because I care. The bottom line is because of my character traits/flaws I have to “reset” from time to time. The one benefit of my job is I get a weekday off.
Today I was my usual rushed self. Ripping and running. Hustle and bustle. I got pulled over last night about a broken headlight. So I went to Pep Boys this afternoon and resolved that issue. I went to CVS to return some impulse buys and replace them with necessities. When I’m completing my errands, I always have my 5 month old with me. The poor thing is in and out of the car seat. Ashamed, I admit that not all time spent is quality. I intend to change that.
I got a text from a long time friend last night that read, ” Uncle _____ died.” I couldn’t even respond. After the air returned to my lungs I decided to call. Another young life. Another good person.
Life pulsates. It throbs. For some of us it is aggressive. Its carnal. We can hear our clock ticking and we are offensive in an attempt to gain (or regain) control. For some of us, we need reminders. We only say “I love you” when someone is sick or dying. Some of us let life boil and then evaporate.
I wish to stand out from the rest. I want to be noticed.
The gazebo was perfect for a picnic. Perfect for a wine brunch with your significant other. It was perfect for a 30 minute lunch break. It was the perfect spot for a writer, a lover, a hater, an artist, a bourgeois “time-out.” It was perfect for anything.
I want the shutyamouthandcallmeugly.com family to know its time. Its time now. A wise man once said to me, “get up or give up.” I didn’t appreciate it at the time. No matter how harsh it is, its true. Accept that you cannot control everything. Have Faith! Love HARD! LOVE TODAY! Take time OFF so that you can get ON point!
By Shaun M Nickens
I am currently reading a business plan guide. In one of the chapters, the author asks, “What would you do if you knew you could not fail?” I struggled with the answer. The arrogant side of me doesn’t think I’d fail at anything I genuinely attempted. In reality I can admit I’ve always wanted to write and FINISH a book. So why haven’t I done it? There’s so many things to consider. There are so many doubts I have never admitted I had. Who will read it? What will I write about? Depending on the subject matter, what qualifications do I need to prove that I am knowledgeable? How will I publish it? When will I have the time to write it? If I die, my readers will pick apart my words. They’ll construct invalid theories. They’ll think they have ascertained a base of who I am. They’ll be wrong.
Its hard to admit when you are afraid.
A week ago I lost a crucial segment of my circle of trust. My significant other lost his brother suddenly. This man was kind, friendly, humble, reliable, God-fearing, well read, and family oriented. He was one of the warmest people I have ever met. He was also one of the most complex people I have ever known. He would often ask me just one or two questions and then just sit back and listen to my tirade. I think that was his way of counseling. Like a therapist he would bait you with a question and the next thing you know, you’re on the couch delivering a monologue. There you are exerting brilliance that you rarely tap into. There you are grateful for a captive audience. I feel as though we were both always so grateful to converse with someone who truly wanted to hear what we had to say. What a privilege it is to be listened to. To feel important.
Tonight I drove through a neighborhood and looked at the houses. I looked at the white picket fences. I looked at the dog houses in the back yards. I looked at the family automobiles parked in the driveways. I looked at the lights flickering from the televisions that were probably arbitrarily entertaining a sleeping couple. I hope they fell asleep after telling one another about their day. I hope they fell asleep after making love.
People often say ” I want to spend my life with you.” Then we wait for some plan. Then we wait for a vision. I have missed out on a lot in my life because I was afraid. I didn’t commit to boxing because I was afraid of a severe injury or people saying I wasn’t good enough. I was afraid to travel because I didn’t want to be away from my loved ones. What are you afraid of? Trusting? Yes he could be cheating on you right now. He may also be thinking of you and conjuring up new ways to make you happy. What are you afraid of? Quitting a job and starting over? Yes Its a recession. Yes you may fail. You’re in good company! There’s thousands of people exactly where you are. They’re scraping their knees and getting up again. They’re trying. They’re fighting. They’re doing their best because life is happening right now.
I’m in good health…*knock on wood*
God forbid … but if anything should ever happen to me know this:
I LOVE being a mother. It is the most exhausting but rewarding feeling in the entire world! I LOVE love. God put Adam on this planet and he knew he couldn’t enjoy Eden without companionship. The man I want to spend my life with is unique and passionate. He is deeper than the core of the earth. I love writing. It clears all the cobwebs. It pours out of me. It is my drug. I am proud of my accomplishments. I am dissatisfied with my life in its current state but I will continue clawing my way to the existence I see fit for myself. I fear the dark. I have very few secrets. I get anxious when I am preparing to give a gift. I don’t want to be compared to another woman but it has probably already happened and it will happen again in the future. I want to feel indisputably beautiful…Every day. I am proud of my sister. She is the adolescent I never had the courage to be. I knew she would be special since the day she was born. I HATE working for other people. Yet, I have held every job imaginable (except for food services.) My father blessed me with an amazing childhood. My mother is the strongest woman I have ever met. My grandmother is the most selfless person I have ever met. I strive to be a conglomerate of the two. I cry a lot…and I don’t think its a sign of weakness. Its emptying out the sh*t of the day. Its regulation. That way you have room for tomorrow’s challenges.
That’s all I’ve got for now. That’s enough. That way…God forbid. ..you won’t have to come up with anything profound. That’s me in a nutshell minus favorite color or song. That’s me. Typing this on my phone with my kid sleeping on my lap. Typing with my night light on. Holding on to hope. Admittedly afraid.
I called my significant other and I asked him whether he thinks I’m emotionally unstable.
His reply was simple.
“We’re all emotionally unstable.”
Sometimes I wonder if I’m in more control than the average person because I dedicate so much time to introspection. I actually give a crud about my feelings. I embrace the very micro memories, disappointments, fears, failures, and daring ambitions that most people try to suppress.
I give a damn.
If I’m in love with you. I care about your dreams, what you ate for breakfast, what you always wanted for Christmas that you never received.
If only you knew what goes through my head at 2am in the darkness of my one bedroom apartment. I check the doors to make sure they’re locked, even though I know I already have. I think if how I would kill the “bad guy” if someone tried to hurt my family. I pray for my loved ones and even my adversaries. I sing with confidence like im onstage somewhere and I’m going to accept an award after my performance. I feel exposed and vulnerable even if I am the only one in the room.
If it sounds overwhelming, it’s not. Recently, I’ve learned NOT to suppress these kinds of emotions with a glass (or two) of wine. I’ve learned that working 2-3 jobs to keep yourself busy and your mind cluttered doesn’t help either. At some point, your thoughts will intrude upon you like an uninvited guest. You may be embarrassed to mingle with them because you haven’t done the psychological housekeeping necessary to entertain those thoughts.
Child of divorced parents, private school education, mother, sister, significant other, Christian, college drop-out and drop-in, cynic and visionary. I’m an idealist. Eden and Utopia sound good to me. Scared and strong enough to admit it. Loved and courageous enough to submit to it. Analytical and arrogant enough to write this post.
Stop pretending to have it all figured out. Stop allowing people to place unrealistic expectations on you. Join me in my instability or ShutYaMouthAndCallMeUgly.