A Writer’s Plight

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I poured out my soul
I poured it into a wine glass but you wouldn’t hold the glass by its stem delicately
I poured it into a tumbler
But you left it there sitting on the table
I poured it into a martini glass but it just kept splashing out, you wouldn’t sip it slowly,  and you wouldn’t take in its vapors.
I poured out my soul
I poured it into a flute
But you kept bursting the bubbles in it
What once was sparkling,  you stripped

I poured out my soul
Like fresh blacktop concealing all your cracks
Filling all your holes
But you stepped in it, wrote your name in it, and then complained when the heat scalded your delicate flawless skin.

I poured out my soul
Like a child’s toys from a toy bin
So you would be amused, entertained, excited and in awe of my trinkets and my bells and my whistles
And you smiled for awhile
But then you looked back in the empty bin seeking more
I poured out my soul and you kicked it all over the floor

I poured out my fucking soul!!!!

And with tears in my eyes I questioned
What was wrong with it
Why it was unwanted like coal in a Christmas stocking
Why its so burdensome
Why its so heavy
Why its so colorful
Why its so invisible

When did it become so black?
Can I ever get it back?
How do you solidify fluidity? 

I poured out my soul
I closed my eyes
I stopped reflecting
I stopped thinking
I stopped rehashing
I stopped speaking
For a moment,  I even stopped breathing

I poured out my soul
Now what do you suppose we do with what’s left of it?

By:Shaun Nickens

(Breathe)

It happens in every film.  It happens in every piece of literature.  It’s that moment when your back is against the wall.  You don’t know what else to do. You’re frozen and you can’t even breathe. 
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You’re exhausted. There is barren land where hope used to grow.  Home is a faraway place that only exists in your memory. Maybe money is keeping you captive (or lack thereof.) Maybe someone is chasing you.
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You had a plan. You executed it to the best of your ability. There was cause and effect. Desire fuels you. You stand there at the end of the line. You fought, you ran, but you have been cornered. There is nothing left to do.

No proverbial bullets left in the chamber…

You take a deep breath…

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…and you say, “Here goes nothing!”

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You take a chance at landing on your feet.  You take a “leap of faith” and all the while you are still holding your breath.  You have no idea what the outcome will be but you know what proceeded this trial.  You know you can fail.  You know this can be fatal.  What choice did you have? Fight or flight right? Some don’t understand your decision. Some don’t understand your loyalty. Some don’t understand your commitment or lack thereof. 

What happens if you stand and fight? What happens if you win? What happens if you claim your prize now? Do you deserve it? Did you earn it? Did you really do your best? Did you sacrifice? If it doesn’t “make you stronger” and it kills you, what will your legacy be? Do the people you love feel loved?

Are your feet bleeding from running, jumping, hiding? Are your legs sore? What if you stood in a fighting stance, left lead, fast jab and pursued your predators diligently?

Do you know?

Why don’t you find out?

(Breathe)

Ready? Set. Stand. Fight.

-SMN

Inside of Me (A Poem )

*Dedication to May 6th 2012*

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With an incandescent aura you approach me
I see your warmth before I feel it
Your smile is confident and your words drip with prowess
If only you knew how many times I changed my outfit
If only you knew I almost changed my mind
Sitting next to me, you whisper in my ear
You hold my hand
You suck my fingers
Inside of me…I am afraid
Inside of me…I am intrigued

We are unorthodox
We are jaded
We are lesson learners
We are megalomaniacs

We must be perfect for one another

Inside of me…there is fear
Inside of me. ..there is pulsing
Inside of me…there is a damaged, broken, bruised, beaten but still beating heart
Inside of me…is unselfish and untapped love

I hit the ground running
You represent the antithesis of cynicism
You believe
You are aggravated with your present and aggressively pursuing your future
Packed with potential
You are armored in arrogance
But it is just a covering to protect your pride and passion

A voice inside of me says, “You must have him. He gets you.”
You touch my thigh
I tremble
You mention one of my favorite dramatists
I am electrified
You create a vacancy in a heart that was once emotionally unavailable
I am humbled

I no longer crawl inside of me
Hiding in the caves of the mountain of the misunderstood
I let you inside of me
Where its safe, where you can trust, where there is exclusivity, and where there is a plush decadence to enjoy
Inside of me, butterflies flutter and dance to the rhythm of your laughter

This was the beginning

When you hold me and adore me…
…I lock the fear inside of me

I love you with everything inside of me

Forever

By: Shaun M N

Beating the bold and Black

What has fear prevented you from attempting? I look back at years of opportunities. If I had to illustrate my life, I would draw a bold black line. I would be on one side of the line with a hammer, a drill, an eraser, white out and virtually every tool imaginable that could potentially destroy the line. The other side of the line is a variable. It changes throughout my life. It was college graduation. It was buying a new car. When I was a child it was the status of being a great athlete. Fear is the tranquilizer that will prevent you from detonating that bold black line. I remember being in my senior year in college and discovering how many credits I actually had left to graduate. I was a transfer student and I lost a few credits when I changed schools. I had options. I could have stopped working, taken more classes, summer sessions, winter sessions, could have just sucked it up and stayed as long as I needed to in order to graduate. I was scared. My friends were graduating on time. Some of them had made those sacrifices but I didn’t take that into account. I was embarrassed and I gave up. I couldn’t get passed the bold black line. I told my family I would go back to school (which I eventually did in fragments) and I went to work for a fortune 500 company. In my mind, I was successful but I learned later that the black line reappears. It can stand between you and a promotion. You will have to compete with others. It can stand between you and love. Love takes just as much work as anything else. You have to overcome fear to be empowered by it. Every time you encounter that black line, you will have to bond yourself with commitment and subdue your fear. If you cannot become courageous and somehow turn fear into a personified villain in your own mind, you subconsciously turn yourself into a victim. Overcoming fear requires trust, faith, courage, discipline, and preparation. You must prepare yourself for the possibility that you could fail but at least you got a glimpse of what is on the other side of that black line. Maybe it won’t reappear as often. Make fear afraid of you! Who has fear prevented you from becoming? What’s on the other side of your bold black line?

By Shaun M Nickens

The Race

My heart and my mind race against one another. For such a heavy heart, it moves so quickly. My mind doesn’t stand a chance. My heart maintains a steady mile a minute. It hydrates with the bloodshed of broken vessels of hope. It waits for no one. My mind struggles to keep up but logic and love are so incompatible. Traveling now in two different directions. My eardrums burst from the sound of my heart pounding loudly in my chest. The vibrations cause my rib cage to tremble. The wall I built so securely around my vulnerability crumbles slowly. My lacrimal glands produce tears of blood. Staring unbelievably and painfully, I can see through blurry eyes…him walking gracefully and calmly into my chest cavity and laying down comfortably.