Not never will I forget what it feels like to be alone
To be forgotten
To feel small
To be an option
Not never will I forget when I had nothing
Not a dollar
Not an eighth of gasoline
Not a bite to eat
Not never will I forget feeling unloved and unnatural
Seeing a 20 year marriage fail
And seeing what it does to the human heart
Not never will I forget the sound of death
And the whisper of promise of a new life
And the lesson of Gods plan and His “mysterious ways.”
Not never will I ever compare myself again
Because I know my resilience is unmatched
I know my strength is unparalleled
I am a wishing well of hope and I am open to pennies of prayers being planted in my optimism.
Never will I ever give up
Or sit down
Or back away
Deterrents are my comic relief
Not never will I forget I am a fighter
My flaws are grotesquely beautiful
My courage is my camouflage
Can I fail?
And I don’t care.
And I don’t care if you laugh
Or if you say you told me so
Or if you call me naive
Not never will I have not one regret.
I am here
And with every intentional breath
My purpose grows
And you better never forget that.
What has fear prevented you from attempting? I look back at years of opportunities. If I had to illustrate my life, I would draw a bold black line. I would be on one side of the line with a hammer, a drill, an eraser, white out and virtually every tool imaginable that could potentially destroy the line. The other side of the line is a variable. It changes throughout my life. It was college graduation. It was buying a new car. When I was a child it was the status of being a great athlete. Fear is the tranquilizer that will prevent you from detonating that bold black line. I remember being in my senior year in college and discovering how many credits I actually had left to graduate. I was a transfer student and I lost a few credits when I changed schools. I had options. I could have stopped working, taken more classes, summer sessions, winter sessions, could have just sucked it up and stayed as long as I needed to in order to graduate. I was scared. My friends were graduating on time. Some of them had made those sacrifices but I didn’t take that into account. I was embarrassed and I gave up. I couldn’t get passed the bold black line. I told my family I would go back to school (which I eventually did in fragments) and I went to work for a fortune 500 company. In my mind, I was successful but I learned later that the black line reappears. It can stand between you and a promotion. You will have to compete with others. It can stand between you and love. Love takes just as much work as anything else. You have to overcome fear to be empowered by it. Every time you encounter that black line, you will have to bond yourself with commitment and subdue your fear. If you cannot become courageous and somehow turn fear into a personified villain in your own mind, you subconsciously turn yourself into a victim. Overcoming fear requires trust, faith, courage, discipline, and preparation. You must prepare yourself for the possibility that you could fail but at least you got a glimpse of what is on the other side of that black line. Maybe it won’t reappear as often. Make fear afraid of you! Who has fear prevented you from becoming? What’s on the other side of your bold black line?
By Shaun M Nickens