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Photo by Fotoscapes.com

Song: Moving Forward by Israel Houghton

I’m tired of only posting pretty stuff. Today I laid out on the f******floor with a Spiderman blanket and a plain notebook. Things look so different from down there. I just literally laid my heavy heart down on the ground. Relief. Seeking warmth I just rolled up in the weight of my worry and listened to the heat come through the vents. If I curse am I a hypocrite? You taught me not to hold things in and to say them how I feel. I’m hearing gospel songs, “You make all things new.” You told me not to hold things in but I can’t just spill out all over the floor, the kids could slip. They don’t like tears, snot, spit and sadness in their food. So lately I’ve been holding tissues, paper towel or a t-shirt up to my face. Trying this new thing.

I call it the muffled scream wail-cry.

I kick my feet and try to force an internal combustion that no one sees. It turns into a weird growl. Then an inquisitive “why” as if I deserve to understand or question. You taught me how to spill out. She taught me how to pour in. Right now I just want to hold you and tell you it’ll be okay. Even if I’m not sure if it’s true.

Shaun Liriano 12/2/2020

This One Is For You…

If you’re always almost there

If you fight yourself not to care

If your bark is worse than your bite.

If your heart is under construction indefinitely

If your patience is deliberately tested

If your dues have been paid and you should be vested

If your aggy beyond all aggifyable agginess

If your dreams are too long for the time they are allotted

If you have felt defeated and plotted against

If you have been alone even with company

If your thoughts are sometimes remarkably too heavy and it causes you to hang your head

If you have ever felt like someone is placing boulders on your chest one by one and you are struggling to breathe

If you have ever cried because nothing is wrong and everything isn’t right

If you have ever tried to support a brother and purchased a demo cd that you ain’t like

If you’ve ever lost sleep

If you’ve ever found it difficult to eat

If you’ve ever trusted

If you’ve ever been disgusted

If you’ve ever given the benefit of the doubt

If you’ve ever taken a step back to control what comes out of your mouth

If you’ve ever felt like you could swim the Nile

If you’ve ever wanted to drown yourself in it

If you’ve ever loved

This one is for you…

-Shaun Nickens